The Malignant Magpie
by Velvet Green
Summary: All Holmes wants is some peace and quiet to conduct his investigation of a crime scene. Too bad the wildlife wants war. - Dedicated to VHunter07.


Okay, this is a bit of an experiment with dialogue (you'll see) and, as per usual, just short of terminally silly.

_Italics_ denote the magpie's thoughts (Well, I did warn you about the silly...)

Also, this answers one of the recent challenges floating around - a virtual cookie to you if you spot which one ;)

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For VHunter07

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The Malignant Magpie

**Rallying the Troops**

"Good morning, Inspector Hopkins."

"Good morning - do come in. Good of you to have come, Mr. Holmes. Dr. Watson. If you'll follow me through the house to the garden. I've given strict orders for nothing to be moved until your arrival."

"A wise precaution. Now, apart from the fact that the owner of this building, a Mrs. Brunsfield, is a widow, has few friends, a penchant for drink and was severely upset by a scuffle in her garden earlier this morning, what further can you tell me?"

"I say, Mr. Holmes, you know all this from the short telegram I sent you?"

"Not at all. Miss Jones from next door, however, was more than adamant to provide the details. I fear she will be most disappointed when she doesn't find herself mentioned in tomorrow's _Times_."

"Oh dear - I was hoping to keep this quiet for the time being. Well, there's nothing for it now. Watch the step, doctor!"

"Thank you, Hopkins. Ah, what a beautiful day! What's all this about a scuffle, then?"

- paper rustling -

"Here, now... At five o'clock this morning, we were notified by Mrs. Brunsfield's maid about an incident that had taken place in the garden of her employer's house about half an hour earlier. She said her mistress had been woken by loud shouting in the garden, gone out to investigate its source and promptly been shot at. Fortunately, the blackguard missed her, but the poor woman was so shocked that she fainted on the spot. By the time she had come to and help had arrived, the criminals had already fled."

"Where is Mrs. Brunsfield at present?"

"She has relocated to her son's house to recover from the experience; frankly, I don't think she will be able to tell you much of value."

"Hum - This might be quite interesting for Mrs. Brunsfield, but I fail to see why you have contacted me in the matter. What, pray, is the "extraordinary circumstance" you refer to in your note?"

"Well, the thing is - ah, here we are. As you can see, the warm weather has been quite a blessing; the footprints couldn't be any clearer."

"Hopkins..."

"As I said, I've had everything be left exactly as we found it first. And here..."

"Holmes, that's Lady Pomeroy's diamond bracelet!"

"Lady Pomeroy's diamond bracelet?"

"Yes, it was stolen from her husband's safe about three weeks ago, together with the matching necklace and earrings - caused quite an uproar in the papers. Though what business it has turning up in Mrs. Brunsfield's garden I can't image."

"Precisely, Dr. Watson - that's why I thought fit to call in Mr. Holmes."

"Well, now that I am here, I might as well look into the affair. Gentlemen, if you would have the kindness to stand back while I -"

"Holmes!"

"What is it, Watson?"

"That bird over there has just taken the bracelet!"

**The Enemy Attacks**

_What a horrible rumpus - humans are always so noisy._

_Oh, those are other humans. I wonder what they're here for now? I just hope they won't scare off all the worms again - getting breakfast after all that banging and screaming this morning was sheer impossible._

_At least they're not shouting this time, and... Ooh, shiny!_

_Hey, back off, big guy, that's mine!_

**Diplomacy**

"Well, that's not good."

"Hopkins, that's hardly helping."

"Here, chick-chick-chick..."

"Watson, what are you doing? Obviously, that is a magpie, not a chicken."

"I realise that, Holmes."

"Well then, can't you think of anything better?"

"For heaven's sake, Holmes, I'm a doctor, not an ornithologist!"

**Diplomatic Slight**

_Chick-chick-chick? What does this guy think I am? A chicken?_

_Humans certainly are weird._

_I'm out of here._

**Counterattack**

"Oh dear, now it's up in that tree."

"Hopkins..."

"Maybe we should just let it be for now."

"Watson, that might well be a vital piece of evidence."

"Lord Pomeroy wouldn't be too happy about that - he's been rather insistent these last few weeks that we locate her ladyship's jewellery."

"Then maybe we should get a ladder?"

"Capital idea, Watson. I believe I spy a shed behind that willow tree in the back there - if you would be so kind, Hopkins..."

"If you think so - just make sure it doesn't fly off!"

- swishing grass -

"Now, while the Inspector is gone we might as well try to get up there by ourselves."

"What, climb that tree, Holmes?"

"Indeed. It can't be more than twelve foot - and there's plenty of branches."

"Well, if you insist..."

- creak -

- rustle -

"You see, Watson, this isn't nearly as-"

- crack -

...

"Please do get up carefully, Watson."

"No need to worry, Holmes - I'm quite alright."

"No, I mean you've landed on the footprints."

"Oh."

"Quite so."

"In that case - Ouch!"

"What is it?"

"There's something sharp in the mud... Here, it's a cuff-link!"

"Possibly left by one of the culprits - well done, Watson! No, leave it there - there might still be enough marks left to reconstruct the course of events. Ah, here comes the good Inspector."

- grass swishing -

"You were right, Mr. Holmes - there was indeed a ladder in that shed."

"And I see you brought it with you . Excellent. Now, if we lean it up against the tree - perfect! Watson, as you seem to have an affinity towards the avian race, you may as well do the honours."

**Defence**

_That guy again!_

_No, you don't._

_And stop demolishing my tree._

**Regrouping**

"Everything all right up there, Watson?"

"It pecked me!"

"Well, it is a bird, after all."

"Brilliant observation, Hopkins. Now, if you could direct those skills towards our little problem..."

"We could just shoot it down with a stone."

"At least that would be safer than climbing up!"

"Climbing up?"

"Never mind, Inspector."

**Final Strike**

_Silly humans, thinking they can trick me with that wood-thing._

_Wait - they don't mean to...?_

- swish, thud -

_That's it. I've had enough._

_If they're so keen on it, let them have it._

_But I'm keeping the rest._

**Victory?**

- plop, tinkle -

"Ah. Here it is - Lady Pomeroy's bracelet."

"Did that magpie just shove it off down the tree?"

"Nonsense, Watson, I warrant that's merely your imagination. Now, back to the crime scene..."

"I say, Mr. Holmes - what's happened to those footprints?"

"It looks like it's laughing at us!"

"Why, they're all smudged!"

"Hmm, yes, that is going to make things a bit difficult."

"Holmes..."

"What is it now, Watson?"

"I believe that squirrel over there just made off with that cuff-link..."

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_Disclaimer: No animals where harmed during the making of this story._

Reviews always very welcome and appreciated!


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